Catharsis

I'm just at a total loss and writing about this was supposed to make me feel better. It took me almost three months to finish and actually post my previous entry.

You never really know how much you want something until you see one line instead of two on test after test. It's just supposed to happen naturally and i feel like we are going against gods will going through this process. Chris ruled out adoption years ago (we obvs talked about wanting a family when we first starter dating 8 years ago) and I'm on the fence (more and more kids are being born with autism these days)  about fertility drugs and IVF (expectations are higher, therefore the disappointment factor is that much greater and even that isn't guaranteed).
Neither set of parents know about the "struggle" and every phone call ends with, "How about some grand kids?" I just don't want to repeat the story/process and everytime I do, it just makes me more upset.

To make things even worse, we are one of the only couples (I think there may be 5 out of the 112 couples and I think three of them are single dudes) without kids in the ECCC and all the activities are kid centered.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone :/
I've done two sets of blood labs so far. The first was nine vials and the second (day 3) was only two. Chris gave his *sample* can we say awkward? And I go for another set on day 21 to see if I'm ovulating. If I don't get a cycle on my own my Sept. 11, I have to go in for a pregnancy test and they will put me on another Progesterone regiment.
My dye test (it will check the shape of my uterus and see if any tubes are blocked) is scheduled for Sept. 24. After talking to a friend who's been through it and had it done (and had a baby recently) about it, I'm the most nervous about that portion of the work up. She said it doesn't hurt buts it's super uncomfortable. The dye part doesn't hurt but the subsequent cramping that comes with it during the days that follow should be fun.

I won't get any results until all this testing is done.

My nurse Shelly has been a Godsend during this process and I really applaud the ease and access to care out here. She said this test has proven to be very therapeutic. This test will give them an idea of what kind of state my uterus is in (shape, lining) and what my tubes look like (if there are any blockages that require surgery as well as flushing out any gunk that's built up over time).

A good friend of mind recently told me, more like reminded me that: "All those tests seem scary, but really you are being super proactive. You are DOING something, and that can only bring you CLOSER to your end result." I am be proactive and I am doing something to reach our goal or to get answers, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle the results if they aren't what we want.

I mean how do you react to someone saying, "some people are just not meant to be parents and you, my dear, are one of them"? I know that's the wrong attitude to have, but I guess I'd rather prepare for the worst and hope for the best ie we are just not "connecting" on the right day.
Ay carumba! Damn you MTV Teen Mom!

I'm just so overwhelmed I am trying to stay positive but the worse case scenarios keeping playing on repeat in my head.