This girl is on Fi-ya!

After our visit with the infertility doc here in Texas, I've never been more serious about losing weight.

It's not about being thin and looking good in clothes for me; it's about being able to have a baby. If losing 20-30 pounds will put me one step closer to that goal, shame on me for not giving it my all.

To date, I've lost 17 pounds and 18 over-all-body inches. I know, I can't believe it either! I had to reweigh myself twice this morning and take a picture of the scale to make sure my morning eyes weren't deceiving me.

I'm really proud of myself. I've been working out (2-3 long walks with the dogs, running 3 miles, 30 minutes on the elliptical I bought myself when Chris left, sit ups, kettle bells, squats, planks, push ups an ect) and eating clean and paleo. To be honest, the exercise helps, but eating paleo and eating cleaning are the keys to my success.

I, and we as a culture, have been conditioned to eat the way we do. Everything is covered in flour, fried and comes between two pieces of bread and served up with taters. Trust me, giving up gluten, fried food and potatoes is not my idea of living it up in this one life that I have, but it's working! I don't miss that stuff as much anymore and my cravings for it have diminished the deeper into this I get.

I used to be in the mind set of, "what can't I eat!?" But now, i'm like, "What can I try next!"

I managed to stay on track when I visited my Godson for his second birthday (through the airport and a layover from hell thank you very much) and when a friend from the ECCC in FLW visited me. I ordered smart at restaurants (No buns, no fries (or if you are like me and they don't listen, just have your friend pour mustard on 'em), extra veg) and at the birthday party I picked up stuff at the grocery store I could have so I could participate in the party (gluten free buns, gluten free treats, already boiled eggs because when you are visiting with friends who wants to waste time boiling eggs, salads and ect).

Go me! I can almost feel how good those red bottom shoes are going to feel on my tootsies!

Hope

I was in an awful head space during our PCS move. I had just undergone the final test in our infertility work up, the HSG, and got the news that we couldn't have a baby naturally. We would need medical intervention.

Once I got into the TRICARE system here at Fort Hood, my new PCM gave me the referral to see a specialist to find out out next steps. Usually I go to these appointments solo, but this time Chris and I were being seen together. How novel, an apt to see both of together seeing as how it takes two...

Well let me tell you, I was both elated and angry all at the same time. I learned more in the first 5 minutes from our new dr than I got from being in MO for 6 months!

Here is what went down:

I already knew I wasn't ovulating and all we knew about Chris's sperm count is that the number of his viable sperm were low and slow. What we didn't know is that he has lots of sperm or why his count was low. When I asked the quack in MO if anything causes this he said "nah, this isn't a fluke, it is what it is, nothing affects them." 

Well, apparently if a man is taking supplements, herbals, protein, vitamins and or anything from GNC at the time of the test those things can affect the sample. As does a diet high in caffeine and salt.

I was floored! Chris was taking vitamin supplements and protein from GNC!

Why didn't the doc ask Chris if he was taking any of those things before he made his deposit? I mean every time I have anything done the doctors ask what meds I am taking, if I am taking anything OTC and instructions like don't take x, y or z before this test and no eating after midnight and ect.

If the doctor asked him Chris would have said yes, and we would have rescheduled the test. Why didn't the doc offer the above as a possible reason behind the results?!

Now we have hope! 

My new dr gave me a 5 months supply of the Progesterone all at once (this is a Godsend in and of itself! In MO I had to wait until day 38 of not getting a period, call and leave a message for the nurse/dr, wait for them to call me back to order a pregnancy test, go in and take the test, wait for the dr to read the results, wait for him to call in the Rx, go pick up the Rx and then take the pills, wait to start bleeding, and then repeat all over again) which saves so much time! 

It's not healthy to not have a bleed every 5 months, because it can cause the lining to build up which leads to cervical cancer, pelvic inflammatory diseases and implementation issues, just to name a few things. Now, if I don't get a period every 5 weeks I just need to take the pills. I don't need to take a pregnancy test every 5 weeks because Chris is deployed. Once he gets home, I will have to go to the dr's office to take a test before taking the medication.

The dr gave us both homework during the deployment. I need to get my BMI down to 24-26, eat more fruits, veggies, drink lots of water and work out like a mad woman. Bringing my BMI down can jump start ovulation and all that coupled with the Progesterone can also jump start it. If I do all the above and i'm still not ovulating, which happens to a lot of women, I can take Clomid.

Chris has to also lose weight, eat more fruits and veggies and has to go cold turkey on caffeine. Hopefully his sperm will be super charged and we can be a deployment statistic =)

If we don't have luck naturally she shed some light on what our other options are. She said there is a clinic in Austin where we could have the IUI done for $800 and that the clinic in San Antonio could do the IVF for between $5-$8,000.

Our new dr feels really confident that we can have a baby naturally and that we will be pregnant before the end of the year!

Fingers crossed! 

Results

My doctor didn't sugar coat it so neither will I.

We cannot have a baby without medical intervention.

Saying it, then typing it and then reading those words makes me weep.

Test Results:
Blood work:My hormone levels are fine and my parts look good. The problem with me is I'm not ovulating and they don't know why. If you don't ovulate, you don't release an egg, hence you can't concieve.

Semenalysis:Chris's sperm are slow and low. A normal percentage is 25% and he's at 8%. Me not ovulating coupled with his low, slow sperm count is "troubling."

We are both essentially broken.

So my options are pretty slim right now and I have to wait until we get to Fort Hood, Texas in January for me to even begin to explore my limited options, if they even have an infertility specialist. If they don't I may have to drive to San Antonio to see someone. I will make that trip.

My FLW OBGYN recommended for me to go on Clomid. Clomid stimulates the release of hormones necessary for ovulation to occur and it's mainly used for treating female infertility.

If I take Clomid to help me ovulate and after three rounds if that doesn't work on it's own, i'd have to take Clomid and have the doctors inject his sperm into my cervix, aka IUI.

If that doesn't work, remember Chris has a low and slow sperm count, our only option for children is the painful and expensice IVF treatments.

Did I mention IUI and IVF are all out of pocket and they are not cheap?

Atleast we are still young right?

TRICARE does not cover non-coital reproductive technologies such as artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization or other types of assisted reproductive technology (ART) except under special circumstances for some severely wounded warriors.

Some Military Treatment Facilities may offer assisted reproductive technology services as part of their graduate medical education training programs.

From the get go, adoption for the both of us has been off the table and I am against using a surrogate. I want to experience all of it or none of it. Chris and I are also in agreement about not putting ourselves into debt over procedures that are not guarenteed (the average IVF cost is $12,000, but it can be as much as $15,000 per round).

I'm just numb. All I have ever wanted was to get married and have a family and I can't. We can't, naturally which is so defeating.

To make matters worse, Chris is deploying as soon as we get to Hood, which means we can't even start Clomid until he comes home in July/August. The doctor said perhaps weight loss will jump start my ovulation but that's still a long shot.

I went into this testing wanting answers, and I got them. Now I have to deal with the consequeces of opening Pandora's box.

I don't know who out there in cyber space reads my ramblings, but if you are a mom or dad, hung your kids for me. They are precious miracles. If you are the praying kind, pray for us.

Judgement Day

Tomorrow is the big day.

I (we) finally get the results back from all of the testing (three rounds of blood work, a semenalysis, and the HSG).

The Doc could simply just say we are not "connecting" at the right time because i'm not ovulating due to a simple and fixable hormone imbalance.

OR he could deliver the worst news of my life, that Chris and I will never be parents.

Part of me thinks that if the tests revealed anything serious they would have notified me by now but then another part of me thinks that they haven't even looked at them yet since the doctor said they needed to see all the test results before he can tell us anything.

I've had a knot in my stomach all week about this visit. I NEED to hear the results. Even if what he says is bad news, I need to hear the words so we can move on with our lives.

To make this doctor's appointment worse is I have to go solo because Chris will be tied up with his ECCC graduation that I will probably miss. My appt. is at 9 and his graduation is at 10.

I hope we are not broken. I really want to be a mama and get to experience everything that comes with it, getting huge and all.

HSG

I purposely did not Google this procedure in advance because I can do a pretty good job of working myself up by myself. After canceling and rescheduling (when you don't get a period and need to rely on Progesterone to get one coupled with the fact the test can only be done between days 7 and 11 of your cycle and your body doesn't cooperate with the doctors time line, you get the idea) this critical test three times, I was just relieved that I could finally get it done.

Here is the skinny of the procedure:

A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG, is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them.

During the test, a dye is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes.

 

The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.

An HSG is done for a couple of reasons:
1. Find a blocked fallopian tube. The test often is done for a woman who is having a hard time becoming pregnant. An infection may cause severe scarring of the fallopian tubes and block the tubes, preventing pregnancy. Occasionally the dye used during a hysterosalpingogram will push through and open a blocked tube.

2. Find problems in the uterus, such as an abnormal shape or structure, an injury, polyps, fibroids, adhesions, or a foreign object in the uterus. These types of problems may cause painful menstrual periods or repeated miscarriages.

3. See whether surgery to reverse a tubal ligation has been successful.

I would have loved for Chris to be there holding my hand and talking me through it but with his ECCC graduation around the corner and the last critical event happening this week, he wasn't able to go with me. This is the life I agreed to and I am just thankful he is here with me versus down range.

Anyway, I put on my big girl panties and was about to drive myself when a girl friend offered to be my support. I was hesitant to accept her offer, but I just knew having a familiar face in the room would relax me.

Before the actual test could be done I had to go to the lab and have a pregnancy test done. I would consider myself a pro at 1. taking them and 2. failing them (I've got 15 under my belt) so this didn't phase me. What got me all worked up was when my nurse started going over the procedure and what I could expect. My palms started to sweat and for those of you know what happens to my body when I get anxious/nervous, that was throbbing.

She left the room to gather the items we needed which left me and my support system alone in the room with the model of a vagina. In hindsight looking at the Mirena diagram probably made matters worse, but my friend showed me where they would insert the catheter and then the dye.

Ay carumba, all the way up in there!?

We walked down the hall, took the elevator down to radiology and I stripped down from the waste down and covered myself in a blanket and sat down on the x-ray table.

Now I was really begin to freak out and the reality that I was actually having this test done became very real. The nurse assured me this would be fast, and that once the dye was injected it would be less than a minute.

Here is how it went down, and yes I cried the entire time. Not because I was scared of the procedure per say, more so because I didn't know what to expect and I had mixed emotions about 1. actually being able to finally have this done (sense of relief since this is the final part of the workup and then I can get the results of all my tests, which will give me some answers and the big picture of whether we can have kids or not), 2.what this test could tell me on the spot (am I willing to walk down that path and how will I handle the results, be them good or bad). 3. the fact that I needed to have this test done finally hit me....

My doctor suited up, gloves and the xray protection gown donned, and put the metal speculum in, along with copious amount of lube. Man I hate that thing and that stuff.

Then he swabbed me with Iodine to prevent infection. That stuff smells.

This next part was the worst part. He inserted a small, thin catheter with a balloon tip all the way through my cervix, where they would place an IUD. The cramping was immediate. Then he added air to the balloon at the tip. Even more cramping!

I have never felt cramps like that before and I have never been that uncomfortable before (read: a strange man between my legs looking at my cashlapas, a speculum and a catheter all up in me, two nurses, a good friend and a radiologist in the same room).

The radiologist came in, set up the xray machine and then the doctor started inserting the dye inside. WOW! That's the only way to explain it. I wanted to bear down but that would have pushed the dye and the catheter out, but he nurse was right it was less than a minute in length.

I heard the doctor say that my uterus looked perfect and the tubes looked clear, then I covered my face and started to hysterically cry. I almost wanted to feel the "pop" the nurse mentioned because atleast that would mean I had blockage that the dye was able to open and push through. Atleast that would have given me a reason as to why we are having a hard time try to get pregnant. Instead I don't know why. I do know my "parts" look normal which is a good thing but then my mind starts to race. Is there a bigger problem or is this a quick hormone fix. I hate when I can't turn my head off.

I. Lost. It.

All my emotions came to a head. I was really in this room having this procedure done because I am an infertility patient. I can't have kids without medical intervention. Shit just got real.

I won't know what the big picture looks like until I can schedule a follow up appointment (for all you military spouses out there you know what a challenge this is in and of itself). I told my nurse that we are PCSing Dec. 14 and they need to fit me in somewhere. I don't care if they give me my results in a bathroom, I NEED to know what's going on and what options I have ASAP and before we get to our new location.

I am not starting 2013 without answers.

Definition of Insanity

Albert Einstein said it best when he said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

And I couldn't agree more.

Before Chris and I decided to get serious about starting a family, the movie "What to Expect When Your Expecting" was being promoted and I wanted to see it because 1. The female cast (Cameron Diaz, J Lo) seemed legit and 2. It looked hilarious! Now, I can walk into a Disney movie no problem but walking into this flick while it was in theaters seemed like bad juju. Not to mention how many knocked up chicks would be lining up to see it, and they would be obviusly oogling every person rocking a vagina wondering how far along they were and ect.

Obvs. I didn't see it in theaters, so when I saw it was available in our local Red Box machine I decided to rent it.

Enter definition of insanity here. If I can't even handle being around babies, watching a movie about people trying to concieve is a clear act of insanity!

I lost it. I balled through the entire movie. Movie recap: Famous health freak gets knocked up and didnt't know it; gorgeous tall drink of blonde water gets pregnant with twins without even trying; a 20- something gets pregnant after a one night stand; another family opts to adopt after they squander their 401k into failed IVF treatments; and the baby-know-it-all finally gets pregnant after two years of trying when she decided to take a breat from trying.

The last character really resonated with me the most. We started trying trying Sept. 2, 2010 and five rounds of Progesterone, three sets of blood tests, one semen sample and a dye test (Sept. 24) later we are still kidless.

My advice to those women out there in my same boat, don't be insane. Don't watch this movie (or any other smiliar movie) until you have a bun in your oven.

Catharsis

I'm just at a total loss and writing about this was supposed to make me feel better. It took me almost three months to finish and actually post my previous entry.

You never really know how much you want something until you see one line instead of two on test after test. It's just supposed to happen naturally and i feel like we are going against gods will going through this process. Chris ruled out adoption years ago (we obvs talked about wanting a family when we first starter dating 8 years ago) and I'm on the fence (more and more kids are being born with autism these days)  about fertility drugs and IVF (expectations are higher, therefore the disappointment factor is that much greater and even that isn't guaranteed).
Neither set of parents know about the "struggle" and every phone call ends with, "How about some grand kids?" I just don't want to repeat the story/process and everytime I do, it just makes me more upset.

To make things even worse, we are one of the only couples (I think there may be 5 out of the 112 couples and I think three of them are single dudes) without kids in the ECCC and all the activities are kid centered.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone :/
I've done two sets of blood labs so far. The first was nine vials and the second (day 3) was only two. Chris gave his *sample* can we say awkward? And I go for another set on day 21 to see if I'm ovulating. If I don't get a cycle on my own my Sept. 11, I have to go in for a pregnancy test and they will put me on another Progesterone regiment.
My dye test (it will check the shape of my uterus and see if any tubes are blocked) is scheduled for Sept. 24. After talking to a friend who's been through it and had it done (and had a baby recently) about it, I'm the most nervous about that portion of the work up. She said it doesn't hurt buts it's super uncomfortable. The dye part doesn't hurt but the subsequent cramping that comes with it during the days that follow should be fun.

I won't get any results until all this testing is done.

My nurse Shelly has been a Godsend during this process and I really applaud the ease and access to care out here. She said this test has proven to be very therapeutic. This test will give them an idea of what kind of state my uterus is in (shape, lining) and what my tubes look like (if there are any blockages that require surgery as well as flushing out any gunk that's built up over time).

A good friend of mind recently told me, more like reminded me that: "All those tests seem scary, but really you are being super proactive. You are DOING something, and that can only bring you CLOSER to your end result." I am be proactive and I am doing something to reach our goal or to get answers, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle the results if they aren't what we want.

I mean how do you react to someone saying, "some people are just not meant to be parents and you, my dear, are one of them"? I know that's the wrong attitude to have, but I guess I'd rather prepare for the worst and hope for the best ie we are just not "connecting" on the right day.
Ay carumba! Damn you MTV Teen Mom!

I'm just so overwhelmed I am trying to stay positive but the worse case scenarios keeping playing on repeat in my head.

The "I" Word

When I started this blog, I created it to both document our lives and as a creative outlet for me. With that being said, I haven't been doing so well on either front. The first reason is easy to explain, we have just been so busy the last few months that sitting down in front of the computer wasn't on my agenda.

The second, i've been holding back on. I haven't shared this "journey" with anyone because I don't want any more pressure. I'm under enough from both sets of parents, grandparents and siblings. EVERYONE always asks me, "Do you have kids?" "Do you want kids?" "Why don't you have any kids?" This drives me friggin nuts. I get asked this question all the time and being in the military and surrounded by people with kids constantly has proven very difficult for me. Everytime the Spanish Inquisition rolls around I just want to yell and scream and say, "None of our *BAD WORD* business lady! Why don't you ask me for my name and let's go from there, shall we? We just met .5 second ago and you are already asking about my medical history!? How about go away!" It's harsh but it's how I have been feeling recently.

Maybe i've been holding back and going this route alone because if I put it this out to the universe it means its real and its happening. I don't want a pity party or an outpouring of comments, questions or concerns. Just not my style or my reason behind this post.

It's no secret that I love children and that Chris and I would like to have some. I knew spending our first three years of marriage in Hawaii would not be the ideal time to procreate, because in my book I was too far from family. I grew up in a big family where everyone helps raise a baby. With that mentality, Chris and I lived it up in Hawaii and had a blast being kidless on a double income.

Our plan for Lynchlings was to get knocked up in Hawaii and have the lil love while Chris was attending the Engineer Career Course in Fort Leonard Wood, Mo. This "perfect plan" would give me something to do out in the middle of nowhere since the job department, is well, nonexistant and we would be much closer to family.

We put our plan into motion September 2011 kind of by mistake, but we took it as a sign to get the show on the road. I was so excited to be going back to CT for a visit, that in my rush to leave the house and head to the airport I left my makeup bag, which also held all my meds, on the sink counter in our bathroom. Birth control fail.

Since I had been on the pill for about 10 years, I figured it could take as long as a year to get pregnant, but in the back of my mind I was hoping it would happen sooner. Well after several months of irregualar periods, and by that I mean I period between September and January and no baby bump, I called my OBGYN because something felt wrong. My pap in October was normal but my honorary PhD told me that in order to get pregnant you need to have a period and if you don't have a period you don't ovulate which means no bambino.

Putting my young age, overall good health and wacky menses into consideration, my doc put me on a Progesterone regiment for three months. He told me to take these five little pills over the course of five days and within a few days of taking the last pill I should get a cycle and then we could, for a lack of a better phrase, "get busy." He said that after the first cycle if it didn't produce a lil one, he was sure it would do the trick, to continue on with another five pills. I was filled with hope. Well, that three month trial period came and went with out success.

I was deflated and defeated.

Now I was getting nervous. Eight negative tests and nine months later no dice. There were acouple of times I really thought two lines were going to show up. I mean, I was really sure we were pregnant:
Oct. 13 *my mom's birthday, what an awesome gift it would be to tell her she was going to be a grand mommy*
Nov. 22 *Something to be super thankful for!*
Dec. 28 *I really thought we were going to come home with a little souvenir from Disneyland*
*Feb. 14 *I had the cutest Valentine's Day card planned to give Chris*
May 12 *I really thought we were going to leave Hawaii with a Made in Hawaii baby and it was Mother's Day*
July 19 *my birthday*

I know i'm odd, but I want the day I find out to be a memorable day. Of course that single line came out quick every single time and I was devestated. Why isn't this happening for us?! I even bought dozens of ovulation tests because maybe we were doing it on the wrong days!?

When we moved from Hawaii to Fort Leonard Wood, Mo. in June, one of the first things I did was to make an appointment with my new primary care doctor to refill my progesterone. After going through my history with her, she ordered some blood work. After a few hours she called me back a bit paniced and said she was making me an appointment to see the infertility doctor and that my thyroid level was all jacked up.

All I heard was the word INFERTILITY.
I swallowed hard and my vision narrowed.

She calmed me down and explained my thyroid could very well be the reason I haven't been able to concieved because in plays a factor in fertility as well as skin appearance (mine has been digressing into it's puberty days) and hair (which mine has been falling out and I have developed psoraisis in my scalp).

My docs, yes two of them (my primary care and OBGYN) ran several blood tests on me and deduced after the fourth test that my thyroid was off and prescribed me some thyroid meds NEVER ONCE telling me that I couldn't take my thyroid medicine and my prenatal vitamins at the same time. Why not? Because one counteracts that other! The entire time I was taking this medicine it was doing nothing for me, hense when I had blood work done in Mo., it was really f'ed up. So she upped the dosage and told me how to take it properly this time.

Even though she was talking to me I was spacing out. All I could focus on was, "I'm going to make you an appointment to see the INFERTILITY specialist," and the word INFERTILITY just echoed in my brain. You have to be kidding me. I'm young, healthy and I've done everything right in my life (no drugs, no smoking, college, marriage, the whole nine yards) and i'm broken!? You spend your entire life trying not to get pregnant but the minute you try to it just doesn't happen. This has been my worst nightmare. You never in a million years expect to hear the words INFERTILITY being directed at you. It's just supposed to happen. It's the miracle of birth right?

Full of anxst at the world and an overwhelming feeling of sadness (What if I cannot give him kids? Will he leave me? What if i'm broken?) I went to my appointment not knowing what to expect. Usually people don't start the infertility work up until they have been trying for over a year but after going through my history my doctor decided to start immediately. My heart really sank when he handed me a piece of paper of what needed to happen:

1. Prenatal labs/screening: RPR, Rubella, HCVab, HbsAG, HIV.
2. Endocine labs as follows:
    a) Dheas- primarily produced in adrenal cortex, may contribute to hirsutism.
    b) Testosterone- primarily produced in the overaries but with also as a result ofperipheral conversion of androstenedione may contribute to hirsutism/virilization.
    c) 17alpha Hydroxyprogesterone- exclude possibility of late-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (due to concern of hirsutism/PCOS)
Day 3 of menstral cycle: FSH- assesment of ovarian reserve, estradiol- assessing ovarian function.
Day 21 of menstral cycle: Progesterone: produced by corpus luteum as a meausre of ovulation,
HSG (Between days 7-11 of menstral cycle): Dye test to asses uterine cavity and tubal patency.
Husband: Semen analysis

Holy shit balls. This is real. This is my life. This is really happening to me!