The Hardest Goodbye

Chris and I have been together for nine years and this year we will be married for five years and I have been doing the Army wife thing for six years so I am used to saying, "see you soon." 

Chris has gone to different countries (Thailand, Korea) and different states (Arizona, New Mexico, The Big Island) for various amounts of time. Before we were married and he had just embarked on this Army journey he would be gone one weekend a month and two weeks a year for National Guard Drills. 

Then he had to spend a few months or weeks at Fort Benning, GA; Fort Lewis, WA; and Fort Leonard Wood, MO. At the time, man, it was tough. I cried, a lot. But it got easier. Not easier to deal with his being gone, easier in the fact that I knew how to fill the time until he came home. 

By the time we got to our first duty station in Hawaii, I was a pro at being separated from him.

However, saying "goodbye" during a deployment is something different. My eyes are filling up as I type this and my stomach hurts.

In a way I am glad we missed the big send off and it was just us in the battalion parking lot at 5:30 am. 

Thank God it was dark because the entire way there, tears were staining my face and my eyes were puffy and red. For whatever reason I wanted to drive and he held my hand the entire drive. Chris isn't an emotional person so I knew him holding my hand meant that he was feeling a barrage of emotions.

When we pulled up I jumped out of the car and popped the trunk and started unloading what I could while he talked to the Rear D commander and another officer who was going with him. I needed to stay busy because I could feel myself about to lose it and I promised myself I would fall apart. I didn't want that to be the last thing he saw before getting in the HUMMVE. I wanted to keep it together until I drove away. I wanted him to see and know that I could be strong and that the only person he had to worry about was himself and that the only thing he had to worry about was coming home, on time, in one piece and the same way I left him in the parking lot at 5:30 am on 18 Feb.

All I can remember from our last embrace was the shutter I could feel in his chest and the trembling I could hear in his voice.